Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
