I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
