Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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