I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
