Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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