Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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