I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
