I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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