I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
