just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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