I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
