the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
