Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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