Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
