I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
