I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
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