Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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