My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
