My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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