twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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