john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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