Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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