My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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