he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
