What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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