Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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