I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
