I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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