just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
