New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
time to smoke my breakfast
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
