U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
