I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
