I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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