I will die if light touches me.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize