i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
