I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
