I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
