I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Even my vagina gasped.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
