toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
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