Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
