You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
