the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
