I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
