i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
