well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
