I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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