there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
