Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
