I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize