You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
