i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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