isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
