That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
