i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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