Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
