I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
